a blog is the best medicine
by hgfan16
Summary: when Johanna won't talk to the doctor in her therapy sessions after being rescued he forces her to make a blog where she supposedly can talk about ease keep in mind that yes the first few chapter probably suck and are really short but it's the process of her opening up and being ok with writing about herself and what she's been e chapters get longer promise.
1. Chapter 1

**i own nothing!**

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I would like to start off by saying that this wasn't my idea. My doctor has this absurd idea that this will help. How on earth will a blog help? The only reason I am writing this is because doc will be checking and if I haven't posted then I won't get my food or those weird pills that make you sleep without dreaming. To be honest I think this blog is unnecessary. Sure I refuse to talk in my appointments whether it's about my day or about what happened in the capital. I also try to avoid talking about my past. I don't know why he thinks I'll write about that stuff online. I also don't think that it's the smartest thing ever. I mean posting your thoughts, opinions and life experiences into the mindless void of the internet. Not to mention I'm not too keen on the idea that anything I post is permanent or that anyone who knows what they are doing can see it. I mean posting all my weaknesses and basically throwing them out for the capital to take? No thanks. Even though Beetee says he's blocking the capital and the capital should fall in a few weeks, I've seen what they can do, if they want it they can get it. I mean what if I slip up and put details of a secret mission on here? Then what? The whole rebellion falls because you thought I need to talk about my feelings? Ya right. How's that for a blog doctor, satisfied?

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**review! and i promise it actually goes on into her mind in later chapters**


	2. Chapter 2

The doctor has informed me that my last post was in fact not satisfactory. So I guess I have to start again. I'm not really sure how these things work so I guess we'll start with me, and work from there.

My name is Johanna Mason, I am from District 7. I was in the hunger games and survived. Snow tried to sell my body, I refused. My whole family died because of it. Snow sold my body anyways. I was then thrown back into the hunger games for the third quarter quell that had a stupid rule that victors had to go back in. (I know right, the Capital screws you either way, you're never safe). Blight died in those games (he was the only friend from home I had left). I was captured when we broke the arena to get the mockingjay out. I was brought to the capital and tortured for information. (Information that I did in fact have but refused to give them.) I was on deaths door when the rebel soldiers saved me. I now reside in District 13 and train (sort of) for the inevitable war that will (supposedly) bring down the capital. I don't mean to be a pessimist but let's be honest, the odds have never been in my favour.

That's all I have doc, there's nothing more to me, sorry.

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**I still own nothing and please keep in mind that we are slowly easing into her mind it gets better i swear**


	3. Chapter 3

**i own nothing**

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I still don't know what I'm supposed to write. Doc says just write about whatever I want, but I don't really want to talk about anything. So I guess I'll just write about my day. Since District 13 likes schedules let's do this in a schedule you'd like that doc won't you.

6:00am – wake up screaming from another nightmare about my time in the capital because doc ONCE AGAIN with held the special no dream pills.

6:01am- drag my butt out of bed and get ready for the day

6:31am- breakfast in the cafeteria (p.s. what is with that plain oatmeal shit they keep serving me and what do I need to do to get a freaking piece of bacon in this hell hole?)

7:00am- run around the track

7:35am- it started to rain and I continued to try and run through it

7:37am- I gave up because the water was too much and the flashbacks and stuff were too bad

7:45am- I was back in my room and in dry clothes.

7:50am- I took a nap

9:45am- rebel soldiers (security guard like people) rudely woke me up and escorted me to the doctors.

9:50am- I started my session with doc. (he talked I ignored him)

10:50am- doc informed me that I had to write another blog

10:51am- I broke a lamp ad told him this blog is stupid

10:52am- rebel soldiers (security guard like people) led me back to my room

11:00am- I got bored and went wandering around district 13 looking for someone to talk to.

11:30am- found nobody so I sat and stared at a wall.

12:00- was found by doc and listened to an EXREMELY long lecture about how staring at a wall isn't what sane people do and how this could be a sign that I'm not sane and I should get a hobby or a friend yada yada yada blah blah blah unimportant information since I am sane.

1:00pm- I go to caf and get food (once again bland food? And small portions? No thank you. Maybe it's the years as a victor speaking but the portions here are unsatisfactory)

1:30pm- I went back to staring at the stupid wall

2:00pm- Finnick joined me and stayed by my side tying knots in that stupid rope of his

2:30pm- I yelled at Finnick that if he tied one more knot with that damn rope I'd throw it in the fire.

2:31pm- me and Finnick got in a screaming match about coping mechanisms. (I screamed at him that he doesn't need the coping mechanism anymore because Annie is back and that's the only reason he was coping in the first place and I don't mean to sound selfish but he wasn't captured by the capital and he wasn't tortured and yes he went through most of the things I went through, through the years but he has his family, he has Annie and he didn't tie knots to cope with the games so the only thing he had to cope about was not having Annie and he has her now so he can stop)

2:45pm- Finnick stormed away back to his and Annie's room

3:00pm- I wandered to Finnick's room and apologised for yelling and told him I know he's going through a lot of shit

3:15pm- me and Finnick hugged it out and he invited me to come swimming for the 5th time this week and once again I (semi) politely declined

3:20pm- I went into my room and stayed there staring at my walls

4:00pm- Haymich paid me a visit and told me that I should get out more and see the sights of district 13. I replied with a snarky comment about how I've never had to look around district 13 because I already know what it looks like, grey, everything here is grey. (God I miss colors, like greens from the forests or yellow of the freaking sun something anything other than grey, greys to close to white, and white is for the capital and their stupid hospitals and places like hospitals but for worse things.)

4:30pm- Haymich left and I stayed in my room and stared at the ceiling instead

8:00pm- rebel soldiers (security guard like people) came to find me since I didn't attend diner. I told them to screw themselves then threw a lamp at their heads. (lol broke 2 laps in one day, ain't you proud doc)

8:30pm- they left (one with a bleeding face, courtesy of yours truly)

8:35pm- I sat down to write this stupid blog, wasn't my day so interesting doc? This was a stupid waste of time and now I'm going to bed, I mean of course if that's what a sane person would do.

p.s. still waiting on the dream pills doc

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**Please review it'll get better the next chap she opens up a little about the past**


	4. Chapter 4

**i own nothing**

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First off, I don't get why I'm the only victor that has to have a blog. Like seriously Annie, as much as I love her, is ten times as crazy as I am. I'm not even crazy. But regardless I was talking to Finnick about this blog today and he said sometimes if you talk about it, it helps and since I won't talk this is the next best thing. He also told me to man up and stop being afraid of a stupid blog and my feelings. I am Johanna freaking Mason I am not afraid of anything, not anymore. So here goes nothing.

Before the games, I had a little sister. Her name was Annalise, she was 3. I loved her more than anything. She was my world, the light in this dark world we live in, the only thing that could make me smile on a bad day. She was adorable, every morning before I'd go to the forest I'd sit at the dining table and color with her. She'd always draw pictures of me and her, mom always told me that she looked up to me and I could never understand why, there was nothing special about me. But every day when I came home from the forest she'd run out the door before I could get up the drive and either jump into my arms or hug my legs and we'd spend the rest of the night watching movies or laying outside watching the stars. Then I went into the games and when she came to say goodbye to me I just held her while she cried and begged me not to go. When I was in the games, I didn't know how I could be her role model and kill people. But I knew I had to get back to her, so I won. But before I could go home from the games snow came to visit me. He told me a bunch of elite capital men had taken a fancy to me and would pay large sums of money for my company. But I was a victor, I didn't need money anymore. I should have known, the capital doesn't like to be refused. I got on the train back home that day and I was so excited to see my family. But when I stepped off the train in town square, my family wasn't there. So naturally I ran to my old house figuring maybe they slept in. But when I got there, my front door was broken down and my parents were in the kitchen laying in a pool of their own blood, bullet wound in their chests. I ran up the stairs screaming for my sister, I ran into her room, she was laying on the floor a bullet wound in her chest. They killed my whole family. Just because I said no to selling my body, my whole family is dead. Because of me.

Is that what you wanted to hear doc? I opened up. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!

It didn't work, talking about it, doesn't make it better. I doesn't bring them back. In fact it makes it worse. It's like reliving it all over again.

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**review!**


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